


and death is just a thought

by ihadtothinkaboutdis1



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post End-game, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:38:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ihadtothinkaboutdis1/pseuds/ihadtothinkaboutdis1
Summary: In which Tony doesn't die from his own snap.He lives on, for just a bit longer.





	1. i’m sorry if i speak about me too much-

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t bully me, this is only my third fic on here and I might be on the verge of the minimum age limit for users on here. (dOn’T rEpoRt Me) I decided to write this because I live for sad tony and this was the first thing that popped up in my head after I watched End Game. :)
> 
> !Also! If anyone who's reading this happens to want music to listen to, I made all of the chapter names/title off of song lyrics.  
> title "and death is just a thought" - "Uncomfortable" by Chase Atlantic  
> chap name "i'm sorry if i speak about me too much" - "YOU TOO." by Chase Atlantic  
> chap name "anxiety's one hell of a problem" from "Consume" by Chase Atlantic

emp·ty

/ˈem(p)tē/

adjective

adjective: empty; comparative adjective: emptier; superlative adjective: emptiest

having no value or purpose.

Sick. Cold. Tired.

Tony woke up alarmed, with quick and short breaths. 

_Where am I? I must be drugged, I can’t feel anythi-_

His body jerked forward at the sight of his right arm. It was fried.

_What the fu-_

He was getting lightheaded. Black spots started to form in his vision.

_Stop, I- I need to know what happene-_

But the black spots took over, leaving Tony back where he was.

"Tony?"

A voice filled his sluggish senses, but it was a refreshing one. He knew who it was right away.

He had found out some things since waking up. (Which, he guessed, was about 5 hours ago) Where he was at least. A hospital. One of the most hatable places to be, according to Tony.

But he hadn't heard anyone yet. He guessed he was just asleep at all of the wrong times. (Or no one cared enough about him)

He slowly turned his head around to face Steve.

"Yes?" He slurred.

"Are you awake??" Steve asked, with a hint of worry in his voice.

"What does it look like, Cap? God, I just wanna know what the fuck happened." He could see Steve take a deep breath to try and recenter himself.

"I don't understand- I'm forgetting things, alright? I just know I'm in an ugly hospital and my arm got fried badly, or some shit. I know you know what happened. I'm in the vulnerable position here. Walk away, will you?"

"Okay. Tony," He blinked at the raw emotion in Steve's voice. Steve looked so _gone_ , like it wasn't Captain America speaking. He looked tired, and Tony squinted to see bags under his eyes. Tony wondered if he look that _gone_ too. "We won. Together." Steve's eyes bore into what- his soul? Those light blue eyes sparked with emotions. Too many emotions. Tony never liked not knowing how people where feeling. He didn't like Steve's...presence.

"Steve, what do you mean? We wo-" he wearily started.

Tony closed his eyes. His lips were pressed together in a thin line.

He knew what happened.

He remembered.

He remembered the shock of the gauntlet, (his gauntlet) his mouth open, barely getting out "I am Iron Man."

He remembered thinking it was all over, his time was up, knowing he was finally going to be gone forever.

Yet here he was.

A cold, and sharp anger bubbled up in his chest. He wasn't supposed to be here.

"Who's dead?" Tony said, slowly. Their eyes locked, until Steve started to speak. Then Tony couldn't face him anymore.

"Everyone's fine. Whatever fine means. Except you. I mean, uh, your arm. Did you hear the news yet?"

Tony scowled. "What? They're going to cut it off? There's no way everyone's "fine"! You're acting too somber, Cap. Too sad." Tony's eyes wavered slightly, as he realized what he told Steve. He wasn't used to telling people what he thought in scenarios like this. It wasn't him. A shiver of fear went down his spine. 

_I must be so drugged..._

Steve's worried expression took a second to disappear, and he swallowed, for what seemed like the billionth time.

"Get some rest, Tony. You need it. You deserve it."

His steps seemed to fill the whole room with noise as they neared towards the door.

Tony turned away.

Those goddamn blue eyes.

There was something wrong, that's for sure. There was no way Steve was worried about Tony. Something else was wrong.

Too many emotions.

/ / / /

sick.

Sick of living, sick of feeling things, sick of sitting in an empty hospital, sick of being alone, sick of hoping, sick of wishing. Sick of being sick of everything.

cold.

Cold, shivering, numb. There was a painful ache in his heart. 

And it wouldn’t 

**_ go away. _ **

it hadn’t left, for _years_.

He was so done.

So done. (gone)

(so)

tired.

Tired of having to do things. Tired of feeling sick, tired of having to carry on. Tired of nothing changing. Tired of being cold. Tired of his heart ache.

Tired of BREATHING.


	2. anxiety’s one hell of a problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woah, questions? I think they drugged Tony a lot. He’s thinking too much.

Tony had a lot of questions.

A lot.

That would be an understatement too.

Why had Cap been the first one who came and visited him? What about everyone else? Where were they?

Did they just not care at all?

And where the heck was he? Not a public hospital, obviously. But still, where?

Why wasn't he dead?

Why was Steve so sad, why were his eyes so cold? How can eyes even be cold in the first place?

Okay but actually, why wasn't he dead?

He had planned, planned for his death.

He'd die a 'hero'. It was a selfish wish he knew, to die as something he wasn't. But that was the plan. And Tony knew that he'd die being selfish as well.

That's just the way it was.

When would he leave? When would his arm be gone? He knew it was going to happen, just not when. He wasn't even upset, there was no point of life anymore. Couldn't they just replace him with a robotic arm? After all, Tony was half robot already, technically.

It's not like he was going to live long enough to get to know the 'disability' anyways.

Because he wouldn't.


End file.
